Emotional Maelstrom
by luvmesomejasper
Summary: What do you do when life keeps beating you down? How do you go on? What type of person do you become? When the people who left you behind come back into your life. Do you let them? Who do you trust? Who can you give your heart too? slow build b/jazz fic
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, this is my first fanfic people. I was going to start with a different story, but this one won't get out of my head. It will have a very slow build. Bella has to go through many life changing experiences before she is ready to face the Cullen's(and Jasper) again. Set after twilight. I'm not sure how I will do with updates. I have two kids with special needs ..soo. However I do promise to finish what I have started. It will be lemony! Lot's of citrus later on.**

**Disclaimer..as much as i like to pretend jasper is mine, he's not! (sniffs)**

Alone.

I'm all alone.

No one wants me. Oh god, Jake. Why .Why. Why won't you talk to me. Am I that bad? Why does everyone leave me?

Please. Please. ...All alone. Nooo. I can't do this without you Jake. I can't. He left me Jake. Now your leaving me too??

Can't breathe! Breathe Bella!

No! I can't fucking breathe.

Where are you Jake?

God, please. I need my sun. He's my light please don't let him do this to me.

I'm barely holding on as it is. Ever since He left me. God, I'm so stupid.

So so stupid. I'm just a dumb girl. Weak useless girl.

Oh no is that how everyone sees me? A zombie? No one comes near me anymore. _Freak_. Dad who looks at me like I'm crazy. _Bad daughter_. Friends who won't call her back. _Unwanted._ Thinks she could possibly be good enough for an Adonis. _Pathetic_.

Yup, I'm pathetic. I'm just a pathetic girl who doesn't deserve to be loved. So plain, so stupid.

I can't believe I believed him. He told me he loved me, but deep down I knew it wasn't..no it couldn't be true.

Worth it? Ha, if I was worth it why did they leave me? Why did they not care enough to say goodbye? No, I can't think about them. I can't. Sobs. All I can do is sob.

Why won't Jake call me back?

Abandoned. No one wants me.

Worthless. I'm worthless. I'm only hurting those around me. So sorry.

Can't. I just can't anymore.

Focus Bella focus. Must drive to Jake's house, get some answers. Drive to Jake, get some answers. I have to see him.

Drive. Car. Gas. Break. Stop. Get out Bella. Knock. Pray.

Please answer the door Jake. Please. I need you. I need to feel something. I have to find hope.

I have no hope.

Jake is not there. He won't see me. He won't even talk to me. He is there, I can hear him.

"I can hear you Jake" I yell "Why won't you talk to me? Please Jake. I need you." Tears stream down my face, endlessly. Endless. Like Him.

"Just go away Bella. We can't be friends anymore" his voice tells me.

NO NO...please no. "Okay. Bye Jake. I love you." Acceptance.

There are no more tears. I don't have anything left. All gone. It's all gone. Engine rumbling. Feet moving. Nothing. Nothing registers. I have nothing. I am nothing.

The cliffs are so pretty. It's peaceful here. I can be at peace here too. I will give myself peace. My life has been on borrowed time for awhile now.

No more. I will give into fate. Let the winds take me away. I don't belong here. I never did.

So high up. So close to the edge. So easy to fall. Just let go Bella.

In the end it's easy because I have nothing left to let go of.

I am gone. Free. Falling. Thank you. Thank you. I can end this pain. He flashes in my mind and I dream of kissing him one last time. This is the end. Good riddance.

He should have let the truck crush me. My love. Sigh.

My Edward

**I will have another chapter out very soon! I hope I haven't confused anyone..Bella is going through a really hard time. In moments of desperation, you don't think too clearly. It comes out confused, which is why I wanted the first chapter written this way.**


	2. Chapter 2

**This is not beta'd so I'm sorry if my grammar sucks!**

**disclaimer: don't own..won't make millions of dollars off of it**

I'm dying. I can feel the blackness taking hold of me, and I welcome it. It seems wrong to just give up , but I have nothing left. Nothing. I am broken. I feel like Humpty Dumpty. I had a big fall and now no one can put me together again. Although unlike my edible cracked friend, I don't want to be fixed. Not without him. Not without Edward. Not when I don't have Jake to lean on. Oh Jake, my Jake.

Let the darkness come.

Pain like no other keeps me from fading. It grows in intensity till it is unbearable. Is heaven close to the sun? Sections of my body feel like there are being touched by fire. But I am so cold. Why am I feeling anything? I shouldn't be able to feel anything. The extreme burning sensations on my arms break through the subconscious parts of my mind. Oh my god my body hurts everywhere. Did I end up in hell? Figures.

"_Bells_" crying I hear from far away. What's going on? No, I hurt too much. I just want to sleep. Let me sleep please. Let me fade into the darkness.

"_Damn it Bells! Please wake up. Please. Oh god, what have I done? Why did I listen to him. Please Bells, I can't loose you. I'm so sorry" _I can't understand what's going on. Is that Jacob? Why is Jacob in hell with me? He sounds so far away.

Then it all comes back to me. My desperate drive to Jacob's house. I had to see him. He had been avoiding me for almost 2 weeks now. I couldn't handle the desertion, not after what Edward (_sob) _did to me. After what all of them did to me. I freaked. Him not coming to the door. Telling me to go away. I don't even remember driving to the hills. I'm pretty sure I jumped and.....I can't remember. Was he there? Did he save me? How? I was alone wasn't I? Oh no, die he die trying to save me?

"_Bells breathe. You have to breathe honey, okay. You cannot die on me. Do you hear me, you can not die on me!" He sobs. _

Okay, so I'm not dead yet. But why is Jake here? More importantly, do I want to breathe again? Do I want to continue to live as I had? That's a big No.

But he sounds so broken up. Maybe he does care. But why did he shove me aside like he did? It doesn't make any sense. Regardless of the way he treated me, I love Jake. I can't see him hurting. I can't do this to Jake. He can't go through life knowing he said those awful things to me right before I committed suicide. I can try for him. I will. Now all I have to do is breathe.

My lungs are so tight. It's like I can't figure out how to get air into my lungs. How long have I not been breathing? Why am I so lucid? I can't tell if it's been seconds or minutes. Isn't it bad when there is a lack of oxygen to your brain when you can't breathe? Oh no, what if I'm not able to breathe?

I try to take a breath but nothing happens. I can't do it. I can feel the darkness creeping back in. This time the pain won't keep me from drifting off into an endless sleep. No! I start to panic. My body starts to convulse. The pain in my body peaks. There is so much pressure. So much pain. Please make it stop.

Warm hands grab my face. My mouth is suddenly enveloped in heat and opens as hot air slowly gets breathed into me. The pressure is almost unbearable as it starts to fill my lungs. Oh my god that hurts. Then as if the flood gates have opened, my lungs expand. Gasping for a life saving breath, I expel salty water from my lungs.

"couuudgghhhhhh..." My body still violently convulsing. I have no control over my movements. I take a ragged breath. I feel so tired. I can only manage to get little gasps of air every now and then. I can't stop coughing. I can't get enough air. It burns.

"Bells? Oh thank god Bella" Jacob crushes me to his chest tightly. He's so warm. It feels so good. I understand now that the heat I felt was coming from his body. Was he really sick? Right now I didn't really care because I was so cold.

"Jacob?" I cough out. It sounds like a horse whisper. I can't even move. My right arm feels like dead weight. I can't even imagine what damage there could be to my body if Jacob is this upset.

"It's me Bells. I'm here. Shh. Your pretty banged up Bella. I need you to stay as still as possible. Why, Bells? Why did you do this? I can't live without you, Bella. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry for what I said to you. There is a reason. A really good reason, Bells. I will tell you everything, okay. I promise. Your going to need to go to the hospital first though, honey. I will not leave you again. I swear I'll be right here with you. You and me are going to get old and gray together. Just you wait and see." He was shaking a little with me in his arms. I could tell he was sobbing, even though I hadn't even opened my eyes yet. Was he serious? Did he still want to be my friend?

Yes. I'm sure of it. He can't hide the love in his voice. This is not guilt or some misplaced sense of protection, Jacob genuinely loved me. No one sounds like that if they don't care about you. And I loved him. He was my brother. My best friend. Again I vow that I will try for him. Tears flow from my eyes. They sting as I sob against his chest.

I cling to him with all the strength I have left. I couldn't thank him enough for saving me. "Than yu..... love yu." was all I was able to get out. I needed water desperately. It was so hard to breathe. The more I returned to consciousness, the more I started feeling the pain in the rest of my body. I thought I was at the peak of my pain threshold before, but I was wrong.

"Bells. I need you to let go for a moment so I can get my phone. I have to call for an ambulance, Bella. The phone is in my truck. Maybe 50 yards away. I can't risk moving you right now. Okay? Do you understand? I promise you I will be right back." I nod and he gently lowers me to the ground. I wince in pain, and he whispers his apologies . I'm too tired to care. I just want to sleep. I trust Jacob. He won't let anything happen to me.

Just like that and he's gone. I can hear the sounds of the ocean. I must be near shore. It's so much louder here. I listen to the distant sound of birds. The distinctive chirps of crickets. Then all of a sudden there is silence. Silence?

An ominous feeling sinks to the pit of my stomach. My brain is telling me to get up right now and run. The terror spikes when I realize how defenseless I am. Broken and possibly bleeding. Open your eyes Bella. I need to look around and see whats going on, but I'm terrified as to what I'll see.

That's when I heard it. A sound which I had hoped to never hear again. An inhuman sounding laugh followed by an intense growl. Vampire.

**Please let me know what you think. Does it suck? What was good about it? I'll take anything really just leave a review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Right, so this would have been done a lot sooner but RL happens! Lol. So not only was it my sons 3rd B-day, but he also started pre-school. And...I also got the news that my son has a sub mucous cleft palate(which is prob the reason why he can't say consonant sounds) which means that he might have to have surgery in the near future. So even though he will be okay, it has been a very draining week. **

**If this chapter sucks, I apologize! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own. It's all SM**

My eyes fly open. I am immediately blinded by the light. I blink back tears as my eyes burn from the salt water they had been exposed to. Come on, I think. Focus. Dammit! I have to be able to see. I need to know what's out there. _Come on Bella, there won't be anything there when your eyes clear. Everything will be fine. It was just a dog or something that growled in a menacing and terrifying way._ Crap. This can't be happening. Please let this not be happening. I force my eyes open despite the pain, willing my vision to clear. Willing for this all to be a dream. Just a bad dream.

The sight before me causes me to open my mouth in a silent scream as the thing that has plagued my dreams, as of late, appears. Definitely not a dream. She emerges out of the water like some type of sea demon. She must have swam here. There was no other reason I could think of as to why she had walked out of the water fully clothed. Plus there were only two ways to get here, either from the water or from the beach. How far had she swam? And why go through all the trouble?

Her whole body was dripping wet. Water must have been dripping into her eyes, but she never even flinched. She just stared at me with a look of cold fury on her face. Even with my blurry sight I would recognize that bright red hair anywhere. Victoria

She looked down on me with what could almost be described as a child like grin. All her teeth bared in a very intimidating kinda way. It was terrifying and only made my fear of her increase. There was nothing human looking about her at all. She looked more like an animal, tense and powerful at the same time. A predator. She truly looked like the vampires out of scary movies. Only this was very real, and I was very defenseless. Pictures of James floated through my mind. She was in his coven. Does she blame me? Why was she here? _Well apparently it looks like I'm going to be her next dinner._ I was her prey.

So many thoughts ran through my mind, flickering between the Cullen's and my father, but mostly I thought that this time there will be no one to save me from the crazy deranged vampire. This time I did not have the support from the family who I had thought loved me. _It will be as if I never existed_, he told me. But here was proof of that world, _of him_, right in front of me. It made the ache so much worse. It made the reality of the situation much more grim. I was alone and scared out of my mind.

Just then Jake shows up by my side. Oh god no, Jake, she'll kill him. I forgot he was here. He has to get out of here, maybe he can save himself."Jake, run!" I try to scream but it comes out a little more than a whisper. "No Jake get out of here".I try to push him away with my left hand. I can't even move my right one. I can hardly lift my head to see what's going on.

Jake doesn't even face me. He is concentrating so hard on Victoria, he's shaking. He was actually shaking. He had a look of pure murder on his face. I wanted to tell him that this was not the time for bravery. I opened my mouth to warn him again, but then Victoria started to speak.

"Well, well, well Bella! What a wonderful surprise to see you here. So nice of you to...drop in" Victoria says with a sickly sweet voice.

"Don't you talk to her you leech. Get the fuck back now. You will not touch Bella". He growls out. What the heck is he talking about. What is he doing? Oh my god were going to die. I use all my strength to lift my head up. Jacob reaches down however and places a possessive hand on my shoulder. Effectively halting my movements.

"Hush up pup, this does not concern you. You see I owe a certain vampire retribution for his actions. Her Edward caused me to loose my mate and now he will loose his." she says sounding very triumphant. "I was worried there for a moment that I had wasted these last few months following this stupid child. She very near denied me my sweet revenge. I must say I'm glad you rescued her. Although you did a lot of hard work for nothing. She will die today regardless of your effort to save her."

Jacob's body is definitely vibrating now. I don't know what to do. I can't move. I don't have any strength left. I want to keep Victoria talking so maybe he might have a chance to escape, but I can't speak. Nothing will come out. Besides Victoria is no longer focusing on me, but on Jacob. All I can do is watch the exchange between them and hope for a miracle.

"Edward is not her, mate. He left her here. They are gone. What revenge can you achieve? You should have taken the warning to stay away from our land, stupid bitch. Do you think because I'm alone that I'm not a threat to you? Tell me how did it feel when we killed the other bloodsucker you were with? Do you even care? You get any fucking closer leech, and I will tear you to pieces and light a match". Jacob growled all of this out while taking deep shuddering breaths. What he said cut me up inside. He was right, I was not Edward's mate. She will not get revenge because Edward doesn't love me anymore. I would die for nothing.

Why is Jacob talking like this? What does he mean killed the other bloodsucker? Does he know what she is? If he did, then he must know about the Cullen's. Oh, no. Before I could ponder this any longer Victoria snapped.

"Hahaha, you think you are a match for me, dog? That bitch is MINE! If you get out of the way I promise not to kill the rest of your little village". She spat at him. Before I knew what was happening Jacob reared back on his legs and jumped forward towards her. I wanted to scream NO but my voice died in my throat when in mid air he turned into a huge brown wolf.

"AAARrrrrggghhhh" my scream reverberated off the cliff walls, piercing the silence, creating birds everywhere to take flight. This can't be happening I found myself thinking for the second time today. I couldn't even process what was going on in front of me.

What the hell was that? Jake is a wolf. How? Oh my god. Oh my god. No, he's going after Victoria. He lunges right at her which she quickly dodges. Before she gets completely out of the way he grabs her by her hair and brings her down. Victoria quickly recovers and claws at Jacob's face. I watched entranced as my Jacob and Victoria circle each other. She lunges at him missing only by a few inches. Jacob turns quickly and growls at her.

She laughs at him. "Your just her pet dog. It's quite funny really. The Cullen's kept her as a pet and now she keeps you as a pet. You must be so proud, dog". Victoria taunts him, hoping to get a rise out of him. Unfortunately it works, and his movement seems to become more erratic. It's hard to keep my eyes focused on them. The extreme panic coursing through me leaves me paralyzed. I am helpless to watch my best friend take on a vampire right in front of my very eyes. No words of encouragement will come, no brilliant plans enter my mind. My friend is a wolf and he is fighting for my life. Is everyone I know some supernatural being in secret? Is Forks some kind of breading ground for the supernatural? I'm a little pissed off. Why does this happen to me?

A horrible whine brings my mind into focus. Oh no, no, no, no. I see Jake lying on the sand about 10 feet from Victoria. She must have thrown him. His wolf body looks slightly contorted. No please not Jake. She started advancing on his prone form. I refused to let her get anywhere near him. I used all my strength and sat up. My head spinning a little from the sudden movement. Since I couldn't move, the only thing I could do was call her attention away from him to me. I would gladly give myself up if it gave him a chance to get away. Deep down I knew he would never leave me here to be killed, but maybe I could buy a minute or two to regain some of his strength

"You BITCH!" I shout. Surprised Victoria slowly turns towards me. It almost seemed as if she had forgotten I was there. When realization dawned on her, she looked like she had just won a prize. I just stared at her not backing down. I was trying not to show the fear I was feeling so I said again "you bitch, it's me you want. Why don't you just take me and leave."

"What's the fun in that human? I'm not sure I should kill you just yet. Maybe I should let you watch this dog of yours die. Hmm? But then again he is as good as dead as it is." Victoria said, venom coating her every word.

"The only one who died because of me was James. You say your his mate? Then why did he tell me he wanted me before he was killed? He said he chased me so I could be his new mate. He wanted to get rid of you. He was sick of you. That was why he wanted me so much." I lied. I had to say something. I could see out of the corner of my eye Jake getting up. He was approaching her but she never noticed because she was too filled with rage at my words.

"NO, YOU LYING BITCH. HE LOVED ME...." and with that she attacked at the same time Jacob did.

I flinched back, closing my eyes waiting for some type of impact. It never came. I could hear loud growls along with that same awful tearing of metal sound I heard in Phoenix. Suddenly warm hands grabbed my shoulders, I screamed out in surprise. I could no longer hold in the screams that had been bubbling in my chest since I saw Victoria rise out of the water. I started chanting Jake's name over and over again.

"Bella, Bella open your eyes. It's okay your safe. It's over." A very familiar voice told me. I didn't want to believe it. Was Jake okay? Was it over? How could Victoria be dead? She had to be alive, waiting to kill all of us.

"Bella, for god sake, the vampire is dead. Open your eyes, we must get out of here." the same voice said quite sternly.

Opening my eyes I looked up into the same familiar set of brown eyes who had saved me once before. I looked around taking in the scene before me. Their were two others here on the beach with us. One huge guy and one wolf. I looked around trying to find Jake.

"Jake" I squeaked out. My eyes came upon the brown wolf that I knew to be Jake by the shore. He was being helped by the huge guy, who was kneeling by his side. Is he okay? Before I could ask the man I knew as Sam, I think, answered my silent question.

"He will be okay. We heal quickly. We must get you to a hospital now." He said we heal quickly, not he heals quickly. Jake had mentioned Sam to me and how he had, something like a small gang of kids. Maybe it wasn't a gang. Maybe it was a pack. And he was the leader. Well, I don't care how much authority he thought he had, I was not going anywhere unless Jake came with me.

"No, I'm not leaving Jake. He saved me. I won't leave till I know he's okay." I responded, looking him directly in the eye.

He stared at me for a minute, then nodded his head to the other boy down the beach. I watched as he approached Jake the wolf and nodded to me. Jake turned to me and slowly limped towards me. It was a little intimidating having this huge giant wolf coming towards me. I had to keep reminding myself that this was Jacob, my Jake. I didn't care what he was, just like I never cared what the Cullen's were. He's my best friend and he saved my life twice today.

I can see chunks of Victoria's body lying on the sand. The other wolf, a grey one, is picking them up and placing them in a pile. Jake never makes eye contact on the way over, almost as if he is ashamed. When he gets near me, I reach out with my good arm and stroke his fur. My eyes tear up, and I have to blink several times to clear my vision. "Jake" I whisper. The wolf nods his head. I am very aware of the look he gave Sam, behind me, when I asked him. As if he was asking permission to acknowledge himself to me.

"Are you hurt bad?" I ask. This time he nods his head no. I don't believe him and when I touch his front paw, he winces in pain. I just stare at him. He is hurt because of me. I did this. This is all my fault. I brought Victoria here. I was the one she was after. It was my fault we were down here in the first place.

I should never have been as weak as I had been. How would I ever be able to repay him?

I sigh out loud and tell him "thank you". He touches his nose to my cheek. It is one of the sweetest gestures I've ever had. I will make this up to him, I vow.

I rubbed him one last time making him promise_(well shake his head yes anyways)_ he will meet me at the hospital. Then I allowed Sam and his friend to pick me up to put me in their truck. Jake watches me the entire time. Sam lays me down in the backseat of his truck. I should be in tons of pain, but I am too cold and too tired to feel anything. All the adrenaline that was running through my body when dealing with Victoria is gone, leaving behind extreme exhaustion and numbness. Sam starts the truck, driving away from the awful scene. Before I closed my eyes I could see purple clouds of smoke rising into the sky as I listened to a wolf howling into the fading blue sky.

**Reviews make me smile!**


	4. Chapter 4

"Look Renee, I already told you what her injuries are" I can hear Charlie discuss my "fall" with mom. I can tell he is trying to be quiet as to not wake me, but his anger has broken through along with his level in volume. " Fine she has a broken right arm, complete fracture of her right femur, 3 hairline fractures in her ribs, a cracked tail bone, a concussion, and a twisted ankle!" I can hear Charlie sigh from a chair to my right "Of course she's bruised. She jumped off a damn cliff and landed on some rocks. How could she not be bruised from head to toe?..............Yes I know Renee, do you honestly think I don't realize how many times shes been in the hospital since she's been with me.....Of course I did.....i wouldn't just let it go after what happened in September...... Damn it Renee, how many times do we have to talk about this. You already know that she won't go with you. She wants to stay here.....No I don't know why, at first I thought it was because she was waiting for that boy to come back or something. Now I'm not so sure. She has become good friends with Billy's son, Jacob. He has been good for her, or so I thought. He seemed to pull her out of this funk she's been in. I really thought she was getting better.....I don't know, alright. I don't really want to think about my daughter trying to commit suicide. Do you Renee?....Look I told you what Jacob and Sam told me. They have no reason to lie to me....... .Sam is one of their leaders Renee. He wouldn't just make up the fact that Jacob was dumb enough to take Bella cliff diving. I just never thought Bells would ever try something like that......There is no way that I'm sending her to some quack. She will be fine. I know it......She has me. I will help her......... No. We are not having the "I don't know my own daughter" conversation again. I don't see you offering words of wisdom on her physce either Renee. She's alive and that's all that matters."

I try to tune the rest of Charlie's conversation with my mother out of my head. It had been 4 days since I threw myself off the cliff. Four days since I found out my best friend was a werewolf. Four days since I realized how stupid I was being. Hearing Charlie discuss my motives over jumping off a cliff is tearing me up inside. I was so encased in my own heartache that I failed to see how much it affected the people around me. The people I loved, the people that are my family. I can't believe how selfish I was being for wanting it all to end.

When Sam brought me here, he told everyone that I was in a bad cliff diving accident. He told them Jake jumped in to save me, but not before my body was flung against the rocks. It was a good story. I think Jake wanted me to believe that Sam was lying to protect me. Kinda like they had in course I knew when you got down to it, it was never about me, they were all just trying to protect themselves. Still, I was grateful that "suicide" was never mentioned.

Jacob, to his credit, has visited me everyday. He explained everything to me. About how he phased for the first time in those days after we went to the movies with Mike. How he wanted to tell me. How Sam had forbid it. How he tried to fight him on it but couldn't. I didn't understand that whole concept of alpha male stuff but I was just happy to have my friend back. I was grateful that he loved me as much as he did to fight for me. He told me how distraught he was after I left his house that day. He followed me because he felt so guilty about everything he said to me. Apparently the whole pack had been watching over me for quite awhile. They had been tracking vampires in the region. He said they had caught and killed one male vampire. When he described what the vampire looked like, I knew it was Laurent. They had seen Victoria with him but she was always able to escape. They had been lurking around my house, which sent chills down my spine. What if they would have got Charlie? I freaked a little but Jake assured me we were safe the whole time.

It explained a lot. Why billy was always inviting Charlie down the the res. Why there had been so many sightings of giant wolves in the area. All of the unexplained killings were clearly the work of Victoria and Laurent. It was so much to wrap my head around.

He told me how he had seen me crying on the cliff. He had borrowed Paul's truck and was down by the beach. He was almost to me when he saw me jump. He cried, _well we both cried, _as he recounted jumping into the water to save me. He had seen my body get thrown into the rocks. He told me I was underwater for awhile before he could find me. He said he had never been so scared in his entire life. He thought I was dead. I apologized over and over, sobbing my heart out. He made me promise to never do something like that again and I agreed. I couldn't put him or my dad through this type of pain again. I would keep my heartache to myself. I would find a way to get over the fact that I was left heartbroken by my fam....by them.

"It was because of Cullen wasn't it?"he asked his eyes downcast. He could tell I flinched when he said my ex loves surname.

"Yes. You have to understand Jake, he was everything to me. I loved him with everything I have. I..I still love him. I can't breathe without him, Jake. Him and his family, they were my family. I never had a real family before. They were, they were everything I ever wanted in a family. It hurts so much without them." I can't stop the tears that come from remembering them. It's hard enough to think it, but to speak about them out loud is excruciating.

"And you knew. You knew they were nothing but a bunch of bloodsuckers. I can't believe you could be so stupid Bella" Jake spat at me.

"They were not like other Vampires Jake. How can you even say that. Carlisle worked in this hospital for how long? Are you really gonna tell me that he was a bad person. He saved lives Jake. You know as well as I, that they only drank from animals."

"They are the walking dead Bella. They are unnatural. They might not have drained you of your blood Bella, but they certainly drained you of your life. The girl I knew from before had life in her eyes. The girl I knew before would never , ever have thought about jumping off a damn cliff to her death." I could do nothing but hang my head in shame. It was true. He didn't kill me physically, but he broke me. I might as well have been the walking dead. My soul has been crushed.

"Bella you cannot tell me that beings like that deserve your love or acceptance. They did this to you Bells. They all left you. You have to let them go now. They aren't coming back, Bells. You have to get over this. You can't let yourself waste away waiting for something that will never be. I know this won't mean much, but I will never leave you Bella. I would never do that to you. I know it seemed liked I wasn't there for you recently, but I was always watching. I would have found a way to be in your life Bella. I just had to get my self under control first." He was grasping my hands in his. They were so large and warm.

I nodded my head. Unable to say anymore about them. Jake's words made the pain in my chest worse, but I knew they carried truth to them. I just couldn't make myself get over the loss I felt of them not being here with me. A part of me would always love them. I couldn't tell Jake this because I know it would hurt him to hear. I refused to talk about them anymore. Jake was still angry but he understood. He just wanted me to get better.

My emotions were all over the place right now and I couldn't let them bring about any more pain to myself or those around me. I will tuck this pain deep down inside. It was the only solution I had, to be strong enough, to attempt to have some form of a normal life.

"Yes. Okay, I promise I'll call you if anything changes. Look Renee, I'm pretty tired and I don't want her to wake up because you insist on arguing with me on the phone.....Sure. Bye" sighing, my dad hangs up the phone. I still pretend I'm asleep. It's easier that way. He pushes my hair out of my face and sighs again. "You'll be okay Bells. I love you so much." He kisses my forehead and walks out of the door. I'm glad he left so he didn't have to see the tears that silently start to fall on my pillow.

**2 weeks later**

I was a mess. The doctors told me it could take up to six weeks for me to heal fully. The worst part about my injuries was my broken tail bone combined with my broken femur. I couldn't sit down, I couldn't lay on my back, it almost killed me to use the bathroom. I had to use one of those blow up donut things to cushion my butt whenever I tried to sit down. Which was incredibly embarrassing. I had a full length cast on my right leg so movement was almost impossible. I hurt, all the time. _It's never any fun once they start to ween you off morphine. _I couldn't shower.. I couldn't cook. I couldn't walk. I felt like an invalid.

The good thing about all this was that I was officially excused from school for the remainder of my high school education. Upon hearing about my accident and the extent of my injuries, they agreed to let me finish up at home. I was lucky that I was such a good student or else I think they would have kept me back for another year. I was sent all the appropriate work. As long as I turned it in, I was all set.

Jake was here constantly. He had taken it upon himself to help me do, well whatever really. I think he still felt like it was his fault. He had even enlisted some of the pack's family members. Emily, Sam's wife, was becoming a fast friend. She was the one who helped me bathe and who kept my hair washed. It was so hard for me to rely on all these people. My life had done a complete 180 from the way it was before. I had always been the one to take care of others, not the other way around. I just tried to suck it up, even if I felt guilty for monopolizing there time.

My physical issues were nothing compared to my mental state. I'm not sure what I thought would happen after I decided to try to live with my heartache. Maybe I thought that after a near death experience I would miraculously feel better. Appreciate life more. Be able to handle the abandonment better. I at least thought the nightmares would go away. I was wrong on all accounts. Sleep still evaded me. My nights were consumed with every emotion my mind was trying desperately to keep hidden. I kept waking up screaming drenched in a cold sweat. The pain in my chest flaring. Every night I felt my heartbreak all over again.

Charlie had to live with the fact that I was still completely broken. He has never questioned me about my fall. I think he knew. He just knew. The more I thought about it I realized just how much this had to be affecting him. My breakup with Edward had to remind Charlie of him and Renee. Of how broken he was when she left. I was too young to even contemplate how he had to have dealt with that whole situation. She had not only left him, but she had taken his only child away from him too. How did I never realize this? How could I not have cared what it must have been like for him. Not once did I try to understand the pain he could have possibly endured. His hatred for Edward made so much more sense now. His Renee is my Edward.

I was pissed. Pissed at myself and pissed at Edward._ Yes I said his name._ I know it was irrational of me to be angry at him, but anger was better than pain at this point. I might not have been able to see how much pain Charlie was in, but Edward could. Edward knew my whole story, that included Charlie's story. Not only that but he could read his mind as well. He saw how hard it was on Charlie when I had repeated my mothers words to him that day so I could flee to Phoenix.

How could Edward let history repeat itself? But I guess he didn't think about that(or maybe he did but just didn't care enough). Was this some kinda sick joke? I mean who does that? Wasn't it enough that he had lied to me when he made me believe that he loved me. He couldn't just destroy me, but destroy my dad as well. Did the Cullen's do this a lot? Let unsuspecting frail humans into their lives in order to crush them emotionally for fun? Did they find this amusing? Maybe with all the extra time on their hands,_time_ _that only comes with being immortal,_ this was some form of sick entertainment. In my heart of hearts I didn't want to believe this to be true. But now I couldn't help but question everything they had ever told me.

_Then why did they save you from James, Bella? _

_That's easy, they saved you so they didn't get blamed with your death._

_That's not true. They cared about you and you know it. _

_If they cared, why did he suck the venom back out of me. I was already changing. He could have had me forever by his side. I wouldn't have been some fragile human anymore. _

_Maybe then he wouldn't have left me....._

_STOP IT!!! _I didn't realize I was sobbing till this strangled sound came out of my chest.

Dammit, Dammit, Dammit. I have to stop doing this. It's killing me slowly. Anger, I remind myself. Yes, I must stay angry. Any emotion but this.

"Bells, are you okay. You in pain? I could get you your pain pills." Charlie said through my door. Oh god. Would this ever end. I owed Charlie better than this.

"Um sure Char um dad, do you mind getting them for me?"

"Sure thing" Charlie says.

I grab some tissue to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. A minute later he knocks on the door before coming in. He hands me a glass of water and some glorious little white pills. He starts to walk away but I stop him. "Dad?"

"Yeah"

"I just, um , I want to say thank you. I know it's been hard seeing me like....like" I can't take it anymore and just motion my hand towards myself "this" I finish.

Charlie looks terrified for a minute, but I can see the softness in his eyes as he sits down next to me gently. He pats my back lightly while I cry into my pillow.

"It just hurt so much when he left. I just feel like I can't breathe sometimes. Like a piece of me died, you know?" I plead him with my eyes to understand. I need this. I need to talk with him about this. He deserves to know some of the truth. If anyone could understand the amount of pain I was in, it would be Charlie.

He sighed deeply "I know Bells, I know".

"After this stupid stunt and landing in the hospital. Again. I..I know I can't be the zombie I was anymore. But it's so hard, dad. The nightmares won't go away. Everyday I wake up feeling as if he will be waiting for me downstairs ready to take me to school. I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep expecting him to come back, when I know he's not going to." Charlie looks at me with tears glistening in his eyes.

"I'm going to try, really try to get over this. I want to be able to live my life without regret. I know if I continue to let this tear me apart, I will regret it. I can't do that, not to me and not to you." My tears have subsided some. My sobbing slowing down. I can't say anything more. I feel exhausted emotionally but I had to tell my dad this, I just had to.

He nods before reaching down to kiss the top of my head. "Bells" he opens his mouth as if to say something. He thinks better of it then closes his mouth again. He seems to collect himself before continuing on.

"Bella, after your mom left. I.." he lets out a big breath of air and rubs his hands over his face. I'm shocked. I don't think I have ever heard him talk about my mom leaving before. "Well, lets just say that after she left I lost myself for awhile. I was young just like you and I...hell, uh...i thought.. you know what, never mind, the important thing to remember is eventually the pain will lesson. It doesn't go away Bella, but it gets better. You have to find a reason to go on bells. I had work to get me through. You need to find your own way, sweetheart. Either way, life will move on. You just have to choose whether you will move on with it. Think about it okay, kiddo?" I just nod my head, speechless. This by far is the longest conversation I have ever had with my father. It is also the most important. I had so many new things to think about.

My mother leaving him had much more of an effect on him than I ever imagined. I couldn't help but wonder if he ever really moved on. I didn't think so. I knew he wasn't miserable with his life, but I knew he was lonely. He told me the pain lessened, and I believed him. I had no choice but to believe him. One thing I knew for sure was that I did not want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I had to move on.

Charlie brushed the hair out of my eyes when he stood up to go. This conversation had drained him as well."Goodnight Bells."

"Night Dad."

"Hey, dad?"

"Yeah"

"Um, I love you. You know that right?" I said blushing a little as I did so.

"I do Bella. I, uh, love you too kiddo." He says softly as he heads out of the door to leave me alone with my thoughts. Sleep came pretty easy for me after that, and for once I didn't wake up screaming.

The next morning I woke up to find a pile of applications to various colleges. I look down to see a note attached with what looks like Charlie's messy script.

_Everyone needs a fresh start Bells, maybe it's time to look for yours. _

I can't help but smile. Charlie has never felt more like my father than he did at that moment.

**Ok so I wanted this chap to be longer, but I swear RL is working against me at all times. I have shit luck. First my son gets super sick. Then my dumb ass falls in the lobby of my building and I end up bruising almost the whole right side of my body(it was so fucking embarrassing!!). So I'm in a shit load of pain, but I told some people that I would update this weekend, so here it is! I'm not super happy with it but oh well. Next chap will have a contiuation of Bella's recovery and her graduation. Then, I will have a wonderful chap in JPOV. I wonder what he's been up to? We shall see my friends. But like I said this will be a very slow build. So.....untill next time! **

**Review and let me know what you think! **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Well, I'm back people!! It only took me a month to write this chap. I would say sorry, but, shit happens. I will try to get my next chap out a lot sooner.**

**I want to thank my extreme beta extraordinaire ElleCC for her wonderful work on this chap! Trust me people, it is sooo much better after she cleaned it up for me. If anyone hasn't read her story "A Murmur of Fire in the Vein" yet, please do! It's excellent!**

**Also one more rec.....I recently came upon a wonderful historical J/B story called "Lovers at War" by Chocoholic-Vampire0419. The girl is only 17, but her story is amazing! It has wonderful depth to it. It is well written with wonderful characters. It also has the promise of major angst, which has yet to come. **

**Thanks for reading! I appreciate every review/story alert I receive.**

The next few weeks fly by in a blur of pain and, oh yeah, more pain. After the conversation with my dad - it is so much easier to call him "Dad" instead of just "Charlie" - I take more interest in where my life is headed. He helps me fill out all the college forms and mails them for me. I still have nightmares every night, but I wake screaming less often than I used to. I have some hope for the future now, and my dad is a big part of that. He helps me believe that I can do this. I can live again, be happy again. It is hard to be optimistic but, as I said, I have some hope now.

Living in a place that constantly reminds me of my past is difficult on the best of days. Neither Jake nor my dad wants to see me slip back into a depression, and their bright idea on how to keep this from happening is to keep me very, very busy. Between Jake, Emily, and Charlie, I am under constant supervision. They try everything to keep me happy. My time is continuously occupied with some form of activity. I am exhausted, but at least it keeps my mind off the Cullens. I am even too tired to dream.

After six long weeks – about two weeks after the one on my arm is removed - I finally get the damn cast off my leg. The only downside to having the cast removed is PT – the dreaded physical therapy, but it is needed to help me learn to use my leg again. My femur had a crapload of screws in it and coupled with the fact that I also have a weak arm, I have to learn how to adjust my weight to support myself. Sounds easy? Well, it's not. And it's very, very painful.

I am dragged to physical therapy three times a week. _I swear whoever designed some of those machines were sadists. _It is pure evil how torturous those contraptions can be. Needless to say, I hate it. My therapist, Tom, is this body builder-type guy who is constantly making me feel like a lesser species. Kinda ironic, I know. "Come on Isabella, you can do better than that... Just one more. You're not pushing yourself hard enough." Urgh. I swear I have to restrain myself from beating him with my crutches. Every time I meet with him hurts more than the last. Jake thinks it's funny when he finds me scowling after every session. I would smack him if I didn't think I would break my hand in the process.

"Come on, Bells, it can't be that bad, can it?" he asks after a particularly horrible session. We're sitting in the diner where he brought me to eat. PT makes me freaking starving. At least I have gained back the twenty pounds I had lost and no longer looked like the anorexic I had become.

"Are you kidding, Jake? Have you lost your damn mind? Did you not see me crying in there after the PT Nazi yelled at me again? I freaking fell and all he did was laugh and tell me to get back up again. I had to crawl to the bars to pull myself back up. Crawl, Jake. It wouldn't have killed him to be nice for once and just help me up," I nearly scream. I hate that man.

"Fuck, Bells. You know he is just trying to motivate you. It might be sick and twisted, but you have to admit it has been working." I growl because I know he's right. That man provokes some kind of deep-seated anger and forces it to the surface. It pisses me off to no end, but it also brings out the defiant side of my behavior. He makes me determined to prove him wrong, so that one day I can go back and kick his ass.

"Whatever, Jake. That man is the devil. If you cared more about me, you would put some of that massive body weight of yours to good use and kick his ass for me." He just laughs at me. Bastard, I think.

"So, have you figured out which college you want to go to?" he asks, clearly trying to change the subject.

"Well, I got a few letters of acceptance back already. I just don't know if I want to go that far away from my dad. I'm thinking maybe the University of Washington in Seattle would be the best choice for me. Far enough away to feel like I'm on my own, and close enough so I don't feel like I'm too alone. Besides, I heard they have a really good English program. That's something I could be interested in."

It's taken me awhile to figure out exactly what I want to do because up until a few months ago, I was sure that I would never go to college. I had a different life planned out. Edward took that away from me when he left. I never had a Plan B and I now find myself scrambling to figure out what to do for the rest of my very short, very human life.

"You could just do Community College in Port Angeles for a year. You know, earn some credit, save some money before you move on to a big university. That way when you're ready to go, I could go with you and neither of us has to be alone," he tells me. Poor Jake. I know this is hard on him. Heck, it's hard on me too. I will miss him so much. Every time he talks about me moving away, he gets this brokenhearted look on his face. I just can't be there for him, not the way he wants me too. I am too broken for that.

These past two months Jake, has put all his energy into "fixing" me. He's hasn't left my side once. I'm so thankful for that. It is true that wouldn't have been able to heal like I have if it wasn't for him. Yet I just can't help but feel suffocated by him. I know he means well, but I have to get away. I need room to breathe, which is something Jake seems highly opposed to. He doesn't seem to understand that I need this - I need to find myself again. I needed time to heal from my memories without the prying eyes of the gossiping townsfolk of Forks.

"I can't stay here, Jake. I need to get away from this place. I just... I just can't be here any longer," I whisper more to myself than him. The food that is on my plate no longer looks as appetizing as it did when the waitress set it down in front of me. I sigh and pick at a piece of mushroom with my fork. I really don't want to talk about this.

"It's because of him, isn't it?" he asks, though it's more a statement than a question. What? I look up at him incredulously. How dare he bring _them_ up? I mean, yeah, they have a lot to do with me leaving, but it is more than that. The truth was that I am running from a lot of things, and one of them is Jake.

"Dammit, Bells, he has already taken so much from you. Don't let that fucking leech run you away from your home," he spits at me with a hell of a lot of malice. He's so pissed he doesn't even notice when he bends his fork to look like the letter U. What is his problem? He knew that this was coming. He knew I was leaving soon.

"He's not running me away, Jake. I'm an eighteen-year-old soon-to-be high school graduate. Going away for college is the normal thing for me to do," I say, stressing the _normal_. He is just pissing me off now. I haven't even mentioned _them_ in the last month and a half. I don't even flinch when I hear their names anymore. _Well, maybe inside a little, but anyway._ Jake bringing them up is like a slap in the face.

"Please, Bells, spare me the whole, 'I'm a normal teenager whose dearest dream is to go to college,' shit. There is nothing normal about you," he says, laughing.

I can't believe he just said that to me. He's a damn werewolf and I'm not the normal one? Right. A quick glance around the room tells me that our little spat has not gone unnoticed. I've had enough of this crap. I refuse to talk to him when he's like this.

Pushing my plate away, I stand up. I reach for my crutches while glaring at him as best I can. "You know what, Jacob Black? Screw you. You and I both know this has nothing to do with the Cullens. This is more about you not being able to watch over me every second of every day. I am able to take care of myself, Jake. I don't need you as my babysitter any longer."

"Whatever, Bells. You and I both know you don't make the best decisions. I refuse to allow you to make one based on what that piece of shit did to you," he harshly whispers back.

"What he did to me? What about you? How do you think this overbearing shit of yours is making me feel? Maybe I just can't stand to be around people who judge my decisions. People who smother me so much it makes me want to pull out my own hair sometimes. Or better yet, I don't want my life to revolve around mystical fairytale creatures anymore," I say, breathing heavily now. "You know, you're right, I'm not normal. But I plan to be," I hiss, making sure only he hears me. With that, I turn on my heel and walk out of the damn diner. I ignore his pleas to come back. He can pay for my half-eaten lunch. It's not like he ever gives me a choice anyway, even though he knows how much it pisses me off. God, he is acting just like Edward used to.

I still can't believe he said all those things to me. We have never fought... okay, that might not be true... but we have never fought this badly before. In public, no less. Is he so opposed to me going to college? What the hell is his problem? Why did he have to act like that?

Stupid traitorous tears start falling down my face. Perfect. Yes, let's get everyone to look at us, Bella. Give the people a good show. Good job. This town makes me feel like a circus freak. Another freaking reason I have to get out of here.

"Bells, come on. Stop for a minute," I hear Jake say. Damn, why do I have to be so slow? I sigh and stop. I am in so much pain I don't think I can move anymore, and I was fighting a losing battle anyway. It is pain versus will and the pain is winning. And it's not like I could outrun him, even without twelve pins in my leg.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he says. Sure enough, he's right behind me, and I turn and face him. All the anger that had built up during our conversation has now ebbed away into defeat. I love Jake. I do. Without him, I have no one. No matter what he says, I need him here with me.

He takes one look at my tear-stained face and immediately pulls me into a big hug. I want to be strong and tell him to let go of me. That I don't want to see him right now. But that would be a lie.

"Bells, I am so, so sorry, honey. I'm a fucking jerk. I didn't even think about what I was saying before it had already flown out of my mouth. I never wanted to hurt you. Please understand that. I would never want to make you cry. God, I swear I will do whatever you say from now on. No more stupid hovering. No more arguing about college. I know you want to get away from here. Hell, so do I. Maybe I'm just jealous because you can go away to college. I don't really have that option. And I swear I didn't mean what I said about you not being normal. Okay, maybe I did. But I didn't mean it in a bad w-"

"Jake, shut up," I say to cut off his word diarrhea. He looks at me and appears to be terrified of what I might say. "Just take me home, okay?" I ask quietly. Truth be told, I'm not mad at him anymore - just a little hurt - but I need to get off my leg. I also don't want to keep standing in the middle of the street giving out a free show. Sorry, people, there will be no need to bring out the popcorn and lawn chairs this evening.

"Bella, I..." he starts.

"Jake, I'm fine. Okay. Yes, you hurt my feelings with the crap you said in there. Yes, sometimes I feel smothered by you. You don't let me do things on my own, Jake. But I love you, and I know you love me. We will figure stuff out, okay? Just give me some time. Now, can you please take me home so I can rest, because my leg is killing me." I say all of this while looking him straight in the eye, hoping to convey the truth in my words. Apparently, it works, and without another word, he picks me up and carries me to his truck. The whole ride home, I stare out of the window, watching the trees fly by so fast they're nothing but a giant green blur. I can't help but wonder about what just happened. I don't even really know what our argument was about. There were so many underlying themes. I'm not sure we were really talking about college at all. Whatever the reason, I would not let this stand between us. I needed my friend.

~~~ *^* ~~~

"Bella. Are you okay? You sure you don't need any help in there?"

"I'm sure, Mom. Everything is almost done, anyway. I'll call you guys when it's ready," I yell to her. Renee and Phil came up to Forks to watch me graduate. The school is being kind enough to let me walk with the rest of the class. This, of course, makes Renee and Charlie happy. I, on the other hand, would have preferred they mail my diploma.

Chuckling to myself over the ridiculous idea of her helping me in the kitchen, I grab the forks and knives out of the drawer. Ah, Renee, my mom. It has been so long since I last saw her. The last time she was here, I was in a near catatonic state. Not our best social visit.

Lost in thought, I find myself staring out the window, watching the last rays of sun fade into the darkness of night. It is surprising how nice our June has been. With mild temperatures and a couple of days of sun, it has been one of the best weeks I have seen in Forks. It's a shame that the sun doesn't make me as happy as it once had. I still can't help but think of sparkly things. No. Stop that train of thought right there. I've told myself I won't go down that road again.

The urge to think about _them_ comes and goes. Memories triggered by certain smells or sounds. For the most part, I avoid trips down memory lane by steering clear of all things Cullen-related. It's not the easiest thing to do when you live in a town full of whispered ghosts of the past.

With a heavy heart, I walk away from the window and the warmth the light gives. Back to the subject at hand. Graduation is tomorrow. I can't wait for it to be over. I don't really have it in me to be excited about it. I'm not scared, _per se_. I'm just a little nostalgic, for lack of a better word.

Things here have pretty much stayed the same for me these last few weeks. Since our big fight, Jake has backed off considerably and hasn't started another argument over school. Instead, he seems to be doing all he can to help me out. It's nice, but I know his heart is not into it.

Charlie and I have already visited U of W to get a tour. I was astounded by the pure size of it. I am all scheduled to move into my dorm in mid-August. Time is flying by quickly, and I can't believe I will be moving out soon. I am both excited and terrified.

"Dinner's ready," I yell out to the living room as I put the finishing touches on the table. It has been such a great comfort to me to be able to cook again. My arm isn't sore anymore, and I finally got rid of my crutches about a week ago. I still have physical therapy once a week. Tom, evil though he still may be, has helped me get into incredible shape. My balance has improved greatly. Of course, there is no way I would admit it to Tom, but he really has helped me a lot.

My dad comes in followed by my mom and Phil. They all take a seat as I put the remaining dishes on the table. I decided to make something simple tonight. You can never go wrong with meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

"This looks great, kiddo," my dad says.

"Yes, it does look good, Bella," my mom chimes in.

"Yeah, um, thanks. No biggie. It feels good being able to cook again," I tell them. Since Charlie doesn't cook, we had been eating out a lot. I swear I never want to see another pizza again in my life. The only time I cooked a meal was when I went to Emily and Sam's. Emily was a great cook, but barely had time to make a decent meal. She was too busy feeding a group of overgrown, over-hormonal, teenage werewolves. I still don't know how they can afford all that food.

"You know, I never really understood how you could have learned how to cook so well. You certainly didn't get it from me," she says, laughing. I heard my dad mumble something under his breath that sounded a lot like, "that's for sure." He quickly covered it up with a cough, however.

My mom glared at Dad a little but then continued on as if nothing had happened. "Poor Phil here hasn't had a home-cooked meal since you left, honey. I tried, once, to make something special but it didn't turn out that well." She laughs again. I give her a small smile, not really knowing what to say. I don't know if she is trying to make me feel guilty or what.

"You should have seen it, Bella," Phil says while laughing hysterically. "It was like these brown, mushy lumps of goo. I swear if I didn't know that she loved me, I would have thought she was trying to poison me." My mom looks like she is going to kill him. My dad is snorting into his food, clearly finding this whole thing amusing. I have to admit it was pretty funny. Remembering all the nasty things my mom made through the years makes me smile. I would have given anything to see the look on Phil's face when she unveiled her "homemade" dish.

"Ha ha, Phil. It wasn't that bad," she states. Phil gives her this _"yeah, okay"_ look. "All right, it was pretty bad. But at least I tried. You know, maybe Bella can teach me how to cook at least one thing before we fly back home. What do you think, honey?" she asks. Wow, I wasn't expecting that.

"Really? I mean, sure, Mom. I could help teach you," I say. She just smiles at me and returns to eating.

The rest of dinner passes by in relative silence for which I am grateful. I can't help but steal glances at the people around me. I love these people with all my heart. They are my family. A crazy kinda broken family, but a family no less.

After cleaning up, with help from my mom, it's about time to get ready for tonight. Angela invited me to a graduation party at First Beach. I originally wasn't too sure I wanted to go because it would mean that I would have to see everyone from school. It had been so long since I had made contact with any of them, and I wasn't too thrilled about the probable interrogation I would face upon arrival.

But Jacob assured me that he and the guys would be there, too. Besides, I couldn't say no to Angela's smiling face. Out of all my so-called friends from school, she is the only one to whom I still talk.

For these reasons, I had decided to attend the party.

I am just finishing throwing on a pair of jeans when I hear a knock at my door.

"Bella? It's me. Do you think I could come in for a minute?" my mom asks through the door.

"Sure, Mom," I say as I open the door. "What's up?" I turn around to go to my closet to find a shirt for tonight.

"Nothing much, I just wanted to spend some time with you before you go. I haven't seen you in so long. How are you doing?"

I turn to look at her. "I'm fine. I'm just excited about tonight." I say, attempting to put on a happy face.

"Sure you are, Bella. Because walking into a firing squad of gossiping harpies is ever so fun. I know what it's like, to be the talk of the town. To be stared at and whispered about," she tells me. She looks at me with an all-knowing kinda face. It's true, I realize. She knows exactly what I'm going through. Hell, my mom is still the talk of the town sometimes. Even after all these years. A pregnant teen, who later runs away with her young child, does tend to leave an impression upon small town folk.

Letting out a long breath, I flop down on my bed. "They look at me like I'm so weak. Like I should be pitied. I hate that more than anything else. I could handle all the whispers, sniggers, or whatever. But when they stare at me with pity in their eyes, it makes me want to beat the crap out of them. How am I supposed to get through tonight without bitch-slapping someone?"

"Bella! I'm just going to pretend that you didn't just curse in front of me," she states. She looks like she is trying to put on a stern face but I can see the humor in her eyes. Thank god she found it funny because I was mortified and blushing like mad. Being around Jake has definitely had an effect on my language.

"Look, honey. What you're going to do is go in there with your head held high. You don't let anyone bother you no matter what they say. You said that boy Jake will be there, right? Well, just stick to him. He's a big hunk of teenage man meat. No one will mess with you if he is standing next to you. Plus, he can keep you from bitch slapping the sluts."

"Mom!" Eww, I can't believe she just called Jake a big hunk of teenage man meat. That's just so wrong. As for saying "sluts" in front of me, well...let's just say I've heard her say much worse. She just smiles at me and gives me a little wink. It's not long before we burst into laughter.

"Bells! Angela just called and said she'll be here in twenty minutes!" Dad yells from downstairs.

After our giggles subside, my mom helps me finish getting read, and it's nice as we chat and get caught up with each other's lives. It seems as though Phil has been able to keep her in line. For the most part, anyway. I mean, this _is_ my mother we're talking about here.

After putting on the last of my makeup, I turn to my mom to get her opinion. She asks me to do a little twirl. It's childish, but I oblige. When I'm done, she just stares at me with a look of awe and love.

"Wow, honey. You are so beautiful. When I was pregnant with you, I always wished you would be born with green eyes. But as I look at you now, I am so glad that didn't come true. You have turned into a beautiful young woman, Bella. I couldn't be prouder of you." The surge of emotion on her face brings tears to my eyes.

"I have loved you since the day you were born, baby. I may have not always been the best mom, but I tried the best I could. You are such a strong and confident woman. Never doubt that. I'm so happy for you. You get to do something I never got a chance to do. You're going to college, honey. You can get out of here and make something of yourself. I know you can do it. You were always smarter than your silly old mother. Don't let anyone stand in your way, okay? Promise me, Bella. Promise you will continue on for me," she says, and she's almost pleading.

My makeup is totally ruined and I can't stop the fountain of tears that are splashing down my face. I love my mom so much. I swear I will not let her down. "I promise, Mom. I love you too," I say back to her. I want to tell her that she is a great mother. Even though we have had our ups and downs, I still respect her - my love for her has never wavered - but I'm so choked up I can't find my voice. She pulls me into a warm motherly embrace and just holds me. My fears for the night seem to melt away as I cry in my mother's arms.

I don't know how long we stay like that, but eventually I hear Angela's car come into the driveway. My mom helps me fix my makeup and gives me another big hug before I head out the door.

The ride with Angela is fun. We sing along with random songs that are on the radio and discuss where we are going to college. She's going to Stanford along with Ben, and I am so happy for her.

After we arrive, we split up. She goes to look for Ben while I go to find Jake. Before I can find him, Emily ropes me in to helping her prepare food for the barbecue. I don't mind much because it keeps me away from the harpies I was desperately trying to avoid.

"So, Bella, are you excited about tomorrow?" she asks while handing me one of the coolers.

"Kinda. I would rather just avoid the whole thing though," I say, trying to tell her the truth.

"Oh, come on.. You only graduate from high school once. You've earned it. This is a good thing. Something to be proud of, and we'll all be there to support you," she tells me.

"Oh god, Em. Please tell me they're not all coming. Please," I say when I realize what she is trying to tell me. This is going to be so embarrassing.

"Sorry, Bells. Couldn't talk the guys out of it," Sam says all of a sudden from behind me. He's grinning from ear to ear. The smart ass thinks this is funny. He turns and kisses Emily on the cheek before relieving us from our burden. Taking both coolers in one hand, he strides off toward the fire.

"Come on, Sam," I call to his retreating form. "Can't you use some of that alpha power or something?" I can hear his laughter floating back to me. Damn it. My face must pale considerably because Emily takes one look at me and laughs.

"It will be fine, okay? I promise to try to rein the boys in. Don't know if that will work," she says, laughing. I just glare at her, and she laughs again.

"Okay, how about this. I'll threaten them with no food for a week."

I can't help but snort. "Yup, that will work. Thank you, Em. I will owe you one." She gives me a hug and we turn to walk back towards the beach to meet up with the guys.

A little while after I get there, I realize I am actually having a good time. The guys are pretty funny tonight, telling hilarious stories about all things Forks and La Push. Jacob throws me into the water once. I retaliate by having Quill and Embry hold him underwater and steal his shorts. I hope this will force him to stay in the water and beg for his shorts back, but unfortunately my plan backfires and he runs out of the water naked - which makes all of the girls squeal - while he chases Embry down. I end up a blushing mess who's trying to convince my brain to forget what it just saw. I mean, Jake is really cute and well...he is umm pretty well endowed but... oh god, I don't even know. His thing is just flopping up and down and... well it's not something I intended to see. Like, ever! Not to mention that he catches me looking and calls me out on it. It is completely mortifying. Yet I am determined to not let him get to me.

"Wow, Jake, thank you for showing me the effect cold water has on a person. Always thought that was a myth. Huh," I say to his face, loud enough for everyone to hear. I try to stifle my laugh as I turn and walk away. I can hear the guys in the background laughing uproariously.

"Dude, she just owned you!"

"DISS."

"That's not funny, man. She just didn't see it clearly. It's dark as fuck out here," Jacob mumbles. The laughter only grows further after that. Serves him right for all the times he embarrassed the shit out of me.

I am making my way slowly over to the coolers to get a drink when I am accosted by Jessica and her cronies.

"Hi, Bella. It's so nice to see you. Oh my gosh. It's been so long. How have you been? Are you dating Jacob Black now? You guys looked pretty buddy-buddy over there. He's no Edward Cullen but... when he ran around naked, I thought I would die right then and there," she says all in one breath. _Please God, help me now._

"Oh, um, hi, Jessica. I, uh. No, Jake, is just my friend. Um, I've been okay. Just healing and all. What about you? Excited about graduation tomorrow?" I ask, trying to distract her from asking any other personal questions.

She starts droning on and on about high school ending and how excited she is to be starting over. I tune her out about as soon as she starts. My focus goes to the beach by the fire. It is the time of night when couples start forming, sitting together, touching each other. My heart aches at the sight. There are just times when I miss him so much. As I think about him, it gets to the point where I felt like I can't breathe. I excuse myself from Jessica, giving her some lame story about having to go to 0the bathroom. Not wanting to join the others, I make my way over to the forest's edge and sit on a large rock. I hope and pray that the emptiness I feel inside will recede before the night's end.

Movement from behind me tells me that I am not alone. A surge of fear goes through me, but quickly fades when I recognize the figure that is approaching me. Leah Clearwater emerges from the trees to my left and takes it upon herself to sit next to me. She doesn't say a word and neither do I. I haven't really had any contact with Leah these last few months. Her father is one of my Dad's close friends and he's been incredibly sick recently. He had almost died the day I jumped off the cliff. Thankfully, he's made it this far. I can't even imagine what Leah and Seth must be going through. I know she is a werewolf like Jake. I also know of her past with Sam and Emily. I feel bad for her but at the same time, I also feel a kinship toward. I know what it's like to be left behind, thrown away. I know she doesn't like me because of my affiliation with the Cullens. I think a part of her blames me for her having to phase. I can't really blame her, though. I probably would blame me too.

"Hurts doesn't it?" her smooth voice asks me. Her eyes are trained on the happy couples down at the beach.

"Yes."

"You know, I come to this rock when I want to get away from things. From certain people. It helps." Crap, am I intruding on her rock? No wonder she sat next to me.

"Oh, um. I'm sorry, I didn't know. I can leave if you want me to," I tell her as I start to get up off the rock.

"NO," she says, grabbing my hand. "I mean, no. It's fine. I just think it's funny that you somehow found the same rock as I did. I just can't stand to be near the rest of them when they're together like that. I'm pretty sure you know how I feel." She gives me a small smile and drops my hand.

I give her a small smile back because I do know what she's going through. I sit back down next to her and together we just stare at the people down by the ocean, neither of us wanting to rejoin the group right away.

A few minutes pass before I can see Jake in the distance making a fool of himself while playing football with the guys. Leah must have been watching the same thing because she chuckles.

"You know, I never thought I would like Jake, but the boy's pretty funny," she says.

"Yeah, that's Jake. I don't know what I would have done without him for these past few months. I'm really going to miss him." I say, sighing.

She catches me off guard when she suddenly turns to face me. She's staring me dead in the eye and I have a feeling that whatever she's about to say is important.

"He's in love with you."

I had known this, but to hear someone else voice the words... it leaves me momentarily speechless.

"I know," I finally whisper.

I drop my head in my hands because, I don't really know how to deal with his feelings. His love for me goes way beyond friendship. I don't want to hurt him or give him false hope, yet I need him to stay around. I feel horrible for the way I am treating him - it feels as if I'm using my best friend.

Leah just stares at me, not saying a word. We sit here in silence, watching the guys play football, lost in our own thoughts. Eventually Jake comes to find me. Nodding his head at Leah, he asks if we would like to rejoin the party. I agree, but Leah decides it would be better if she goes back to patrolling the area. I feel sad for her and wonder if we could become friends if we were to spend more time together. I let Jake lead me back to the fire where we sit down. He wraps his big arms around me when he sees me shiver, and I can't help but lean into his chest.

As time winds down, the night gets darker and the fire starts to burn out. We're all sated from the massive amounts of beef that we consumed. I can't help but reflect on all the good times I have had here, along with the bad.

I am snapped out of my reverie when I hear a car skid to a loud stop nearby. All the guys jump up quickly to their feet.

"Bella!" my dad's voice calls. What is _he_ doing here? Jake pulls me further into his side, as if he's trying to shield me from seeing my father.

I push against him.

"Stop, Jake. Let me go! I have to get to Charlie. What's wrong with you?" I ask him. "Dad!" I yell.

Charlie pushes his way through the large crowd that has formed as I rush to his side. He falters when he sees me and stumbles to the ground.

"Dad! What's wrong? Are you okay? What's going on? Where's Mom?" I ask, a little hysterical now. Sam and Jacob reach my father's side quickly and pull him off the ground. I can now see from the light of the fire that he's been crying.

"Dad, please. You're scaring me. What's going on? Please!" I'm really begging him to tell me everything is okay, that nothing has happened, even if I suspect otherwise.

"I'm sorry, kiddo. I'm so sorry. It's your mom. She's... she and Phil. Bella, they were killed!"

**Gasps* I know! LOL Please, please, please leave a review!! Tell me what you think. Next up we find out what Jasper and the rest of the Cullens have been up to!**


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